We are doing modern parenting wrong
Let your kids own their life
Today I am going to talk about parenting. If you are a parent like me, you would probably agree that it's the most difficult subject on earth. And I'll be honest, I am no expert in parenting, and it is still a constant source of stress for me.
But why am I still writing about it?
Because it's how the ownership mindset gets nurtured.
But more importantly, because modern parenting might be doing it wrong.
I know it's quite a statement that may offend some parents. But before you dismiss this, hear me out through the stories of three kids I observed recently.
Kid #1
Last week we went for ice cream. An old lady in the shop asked us to help mind her kid, who was around six years old, sitting in a stroller. She came out from the shop with three ice cream cones.
"Wow, what a lucky day with three ice cream cones!" I said.
"Well you know, I bought three just in case she didn't like the one I picked," said the old lady.
This girl doesn't get to pick her own ice cream because granny does that for her. Yet she also never gets to own the consequence of picking the wrong flavour as there are always other options waiting.
Kid #2
We were having lunch with our friend's family. My friend ordered her toddler's favourite tomato sauce pasta. However, when the pasta came, her daughter was not satisfied:
"Not enough cheese!!!!" she yelled when the server left after adding some cheese.
"I don't like this pasta, it's dirty!!!" she yelled again after cheese was added, now complaining about the sauce.
"This pasta is still dirty with the pepper!!!!!" she yelled after her parents swapped the tomato pasta with another sauceless one.
Finally, her parents gave her biscuits.
This girl didn't get to practice coping with disappointment. Every time it surfaces, her parents remove it from her instead of helping her work through it; creating a delusion that her emotional discomfort is someone else's responsibility to manage.
Kid #3
It's shower time. It was usually handled by dad. This time, mummy asked the 3-year-old to try taking a shower all by himself.
"It's too challenging for him mummy, at least I need to help with this," Daddy turned the knob for the kid.
"Don't underestimate your kid," Mummy turned off the knob and encouraged the toddler to do it.
And he did (after trying multiple times). Not only turning the knob, but getting into the bathtub, getting and using the shower gel, drying himself and getting changed.
"I CAN do it, daddy! I DON'T need your help!!" said the kid.
This kid learnt that he, like everyone else, has the ability to take care of himself. This kid didn't just learn to shower, he learned that he's capable. He owned the struggle, owned the mistakes, and owned the success. Most importantly, he learned to trust himself.
That kid is our son.
I'm sharing this not to show off, but because it highlights something crucial: we as adults have overlooked our kids' abilities by overdoing for them. We've swung from one extreme to another. I grew up with domestic violence and my childhood trauma has caused a lot of mental issues in my adulthood, and I know how much I don't want that in my kids. But now we've overcorrected so far in the opposite direction that being a parent has become the toughest job on earth: being loving unconditionally, positive and encouraging, non-judgmental, acknowledging emotions, patient, supportive...
We have developed this over-diagnosing culture where every setback is now labelled as trauma; and parents are obsessed with emotional safety where they are protecting their kids from every discomfort.
Letting your kids feel disappointed about things not going their way, letting them get hurt (reasonably) while playing will not cause trauma, but will make them grow instead. We've become so trauma-aware that we've forgotten kids need some discomfort to develop resilience. Jonathan Haidt introduced the concept of "antifragility" in his book The Anxious Generation, which is a key concept in child development. Just like muscles and the immune system, children's minds are antifragile and they grow stronger from a range of moderate adversities including fear, conflict, and exclusion. By fostering an ownership mindset, we can teach them to take control not only of their decisions, but also the consequence of them, whether good or bad.
Let your kids spill the water and they will learn how not to do it next time.
Let your kids choose not to eat and learn how bad it feels when you starve, and they will learn not to reject food.
Let your kids lose a game and they will learn the sportsmanship spirit.
Let your kids embrace frustration and they will learn that life is not all sunshine and rainbows.
Let your kids fail and they will develop their self-confidence from the growth that comes from it.
Let your kids own their decisions and they will learn how to own their lives as they grow up.
In contrast, every time we attempt to prevent negative experiences and feelings, we are depriving them of their opportunities to develop resilience, which will in turn make them at heightened risk for anxiety and mood disorders when they encounter setbacks later in life, as they inevitably will. When we have over-coddled our kids, they grow up more fragile when facing adversity. And this might explain why depression and anxiety are skyrocketing, aside from the drastic impact of social media.
Next time when you are trying to protect your kid, ask yourself:
Am I protecting my kid, or am I taking away their negative emotions for the sake of my own comfort?
PS: I didn't learn that overnight. Coming up in Part 2, I will share how my parenting principles have changed after my postpartum depression, the challenges we have gone through, and how we are picking ourselves up bit by bit now.